Jumbled Thoughts
by JustMe133
Summary: Something happened between Charlie and Patrick that Charlie can't remember. Will Patrick be able to help him or will Charlie be stuck in the dark forever? Charlie x Patrick. Rated T for safety. ONESHOT. SLASH.


**I've had this story sitting in my computer for a while now, so I figured, why the hell not post it? What's the worse that's gonna happen?  
**

**This is probably more movie-verse than book-verse... maybe... We'll see.  
**

**No, I don't own The Perks of Being A Wallflower or the characters used. Just a fan who likes to use her imagination sometimes.**

…

_Dear Friend,_

_I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I made Patrick happy again. Ever since his fall-out with Brad, he had been in this kind of dark place, where he would be happy for a bit, then fall back down into a depression so dark I was surprised he could see._

_But somehow, and I still can't quite remember, I made him feel better._

_He told me he was no longer numb, and that it was thanks to me._

_But then, he asked me if I remembered what happened. When I told him only a little, he seemed to deflate right before my very eyes, and it made me ache to see him like that again._

…

Patrick and I had been sitting outside in the bleachers one day during lunch. It was freezing outside, so we were the only ones there. Everything was silent around us, and I found it peaceful.

But then Patrick decided to break it.

"You don't remember do you?" he had asked, still looking out at the empty football field. "You blacked out again didn't you?" I was just silent, not sure what to say to him. "Do you even know what I'm talking about?"

"I remember some of it…" I said slowly, unsure of what Patrick wanted me to say. I wanted to keep him in a good mood, but I could feel him falling again.

"But not all of it."

"No. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Patrick said, standing up quickly. "It's fine." Patrick had already begun to walk away from me. I knew I had to speak up quick.

"I remember you kissing me." Patrick stopped in his steps, but didn't turn to face me yet; he was waiting on me to continue. "I remember…" I stopped, thinking through the gaps to see what he wanted me to see. "You were touching me. Your hands were on my face, my shoulders, my chest, my back, but you stopped when you reached my waist." I was breathing heavily by now. I had never been able to remember a blackout this well before. "And the whole time, you were kissing me." Patrick, still surprisingly silent, just moved back up to sit next to me; I could tell he was beginning to go numb, as he so often put it. Trying to get his attention, I grabbed onto his limp hand and held it in mine, even if our hands were too sweaty.

"I wish you could remember," he muttered, leaning back and closing his eyes, still holding my hand.

"I know."

…

_So, friend, you can see where I'm coming from. I want to make Patrick happy again, make him no longer numb. Because I love him. Not the way I love Sam. It's a different kind of love._

_It's hard to explain._

_But I knew I had to help him somehow._

_But I also knew my brain worked in weird ways sometimes, and this happened to be one of those times._

…

Patrick was still holding my hand, but he looked so sad. I moved a little closer to him, giving his hand a tug so he scooted closer to me too.

"Whaaat?" he whined, but came closer to me anyway.

"Kiss me," I said, surprised when the words came out of my mouth. "Help me remember."

"Why?"

"So you can be happy again." Patrick looked at me like I was crazy, but I just kept staring at him. Finally he did it. He pressed his lips against mine, desperate for something that I didn't know if I could give him. His eyes were closed, but I left mine open. And then, behind his wavy hair, I saw someone watching us.

Brad.

And he looked upset.

Worse than I had ever seen him look before. He looked almost … heartbroken.

And seeing him, I felt such an intense anger, that I kissed Patrick back.

Hard.

I closed my eyes and let my anger at Brad for hurting Patrick loose, and kissed Patrick as hard as I could.

I wanted him to forget about Brad.

And think about me.

…

_I didn't know where those thoughts came from, friend. They didn't even seem like my own. But they were. Maybe, in some way, I wanted Patrick to love me, since Sam couldn't?_

_Does that make any sense?_

_No, I didn't think so either._

_So, Patrick kissed me, and I kissed him back._

_I'm not quite sure what this meant for us, and I'm not sure if I really wanted to find out._

_Whenever I find out more, I'll make sure to tell you about it._

_Love always,_

_Charlie._

_**~The Perks of Being A Wallflower~**_

_Dear Friend,_

_Patrick came over today. It's not the first time this has happened, of course, but today was different. Instead of me usually going with him, he came in, and hung out with me in my room._

_I wasn't sure how we got onto this topic, but somehow, we began to talk about Patrick's relationship with Brad._

…

"Brad called me today. He wanted to meet up and…" Patrick stopped himself, probably remembering that I was only a freshman, and he was a senior, and that I really shouldn't be hearing what he and Brad would do.

But, hearing that Brad had called Patrick, and wanted to meet up with him, kind of made my blood boil.

I wondered why.

Could it be because of the kiss Patrick and I shared? Or because of what Patrick says happened between us, which I still don't remember?

"So are you going to meet him?" I asked, even though I really didn't want to know.

"Nah. I don't want to really get back into that," Patrick said as he lounged on my small bed. I was still standing awkwardly, looking at him. "Come sit with me." I did as he asked, sitting next to him on my bed. "Hey Charlie?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still not remember?" he asked, rubbing my back with just his fingertips. I just shake my head.

"No. I'm sorry."

"Okay… What did you think of our kiss?"

…

_How was I supposed to respond to that? Our kiss had kept me up at night and haunted my dreams. No longer did I dream of kissing Sam, now I dreamt of kissing Patrick and keeping him away from any other guy. _

_How am I supposed to tell him that?_

…

"Charlie?"

"Yeah."

"Kiss me." I looked at Patrick, not sure if he was being serious or not. But still, I leaned towards him and pressed my lips against his. I felt my eyes slip close as our kiss increased. I found myself slipping my fingers in his hair as he pulled me closer to him. I pull away, looking at him.

"What did we do?" I had to know, and I guess he could tell, because he pulled me closer to him still and hugged me.

"We made love."

…

_Patrick finally told me. And friend, I can honestly say I was not expecting that._

_How could I forget something so emotionally charged like __**that**__?_

_I didn't even know how to respond._

_When he finally left that night, we had kissed more than I've kissed anyone before. He didn't push me into anything else, and I actually enjoyed the soft kisses we shared._

_They were different than any of the other kisses I've had. Sam had been filled with friendship when she had kissed me. Mary Elizabeth had been all about passion and herself. _

_Patrick was full of love. I saw it when he looked at me and felt it when he kissed me._

_I still didn't know what to do._

_But what I did know was, I liked kissing Patrick._

_I wonder if I liked what else we did too._

_Love always,_

_Charlie._

_**~The Perks of Being A Wallflower~**_

_Dear Friend,_

_Today, I had an unarranged meeting with Brad…_

…

I groaned as my back hit the bathroom wall.

"What's going on between you and Nothing?" Brad practically snarled in my face. A temper like that is probably what got him on the football team to begin with. I don't say anything as I as watch him. This doesn't seem like the Brad I know. Brad was always putting on a tough guy act to impress his friends and his father, but he had always been nothing but civil to me.

"Don't call him that," I say quietly, still watching him. I know he won't do anything to me. He's probably remembering when I took all his football buddies down for beating up Patrick to begin with.

"Fine," he said in a quiet, dark voice. "What's going on with you and _Patrick_?"

"It's none of your business," I say, because it isn't.

"You're a psycho. I don't know what he would want with you."

"I'm not afraid to be with him." I don't know where these words are coming from, but they're coming from somewhere.

"I wasn't afraid!"

"Yes you were. Afraid of what your friends and family would think. Fear made you strong enough to lie to Patrick and everyone else, but you couldn't love him. Not enough anyways." Brad looked like he wanted to hit me as his face turned a bright red.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes I do." _"You're a wallflower. You see things."_ I could hear Patrick in my mind and I smiled at Brad. "I see things most people don't." Brad looked so angry that he finally pulled back his fist.

I just stood my ground and closed my eyes.

Nothing happened though. I heard a loud grunt and then what sounded like a body hitting the floor. I opened my eyes to find Patrick sitting on top of Brad, both looking extremely pissed.

"If you ever lay a hand on him, I swear you'll regret it."

"Whatever," Brad said, pushing Patrick off of him and standing. "Stupid Nothing and Psycho. Fags." Patrick watched Brad walk away, but remained on the floor.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, finally getting up after Brad had been gone for a good few minutes. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry you had to deal with him." I don't say anything as he hugs me tightly and just kisses my forehead again. "Please say something."

"Are you okay?"

"I am. You're the one I'm worried about."

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" he asks me again, looking so concerned. I lean up and kiss him softly, surprising us both. He kisses me back for a minute before pulling away. "Taking that as an okay." I chuckle and feel him tighten his arms around me. "Does it bother you? That…" he stopped and looked at me, hoping I could figure out what he was saying.

And I knew exactly what he meant.

I shook my head no.

His smile grew and he kissed me. "Thank God."

…

_I'm not sure what's going on between us now._

_But something has definitely changed between Patrick and myself._

_And I think I like it._

_Love always,_

_Charlie_

_**~The Perks of Being A Wallflower**_

…

**Yeah... I don't know how well that turned out, but I wanted to try it, and so I did!**

**Thanks for reading! **

**-JustMe133**


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